Toxic Positivity:

You know what they say about “too much of a good thing.”

Positivity is one of those good things that you can have too much of. It may seem hard to believe that positive thinking could ever be bad, but it has taken a dangerous turn as popular culture has romanticized the idea of it. Positivity has been placed on a pedestal to the point where it has become almost shameful to be anything but positive.

Toxic positivity is the idea that encouraging people to be nothing but positive is more harmful than helpful. We are built feel a vast range of emotions, and all of them are necessary for a full life. Negative emotions may feel uncomfortable, but they are fundamental and should not be brushed over by blind positivity.

Toxic positivity is particularly harmful for those with mental illnesses, chronic illnesses, or any issues that make positive thinking especially difficult. However, it affects every single human being, as so called “negative” emotions like sadness, anger, hopelessness, fear, anxiousness, etc. are a natural and inevitable part of the human experience. To expect people never to feel these ways is unrealistic and unfair.

Positivity vs. Toxic Positivity

Where does one draw the line between a healthy positive attitude and toxic positivity?

A positive attitude, in the form of optimism and staying hopeful about the future, can be a helpful outlook for navigating life. The ability to stay hopeful, even in the face of adversity, and realize that your current situation won’t last forever is a key aspect of resilience!

Toxic positivity occurs when you become dismissive of all emotions other than positive ones. It places positivity on a pedestal and leaves no space for any other feelings.

Some examples of toxic positivity include :

• “Just be happy”
• “Just be positive”
• “Think good thoughts”
• “You’ll get over it”
• “Good vibes only”

Phrases like these are completely dismissive of the fact that negative feelings are sometimes unavoidable. Notice that I don’t say “bad” feelings…because there are no bad feelings! When we label some as “bad” and some as “good” we stigmatize the former group when, in reality, feelings are just feelings, and all feelings must be felt in order for us to work through them. (Read more about honoring your feelings here).

When you’re feeling sad, depressed, hopeless, anxious, etc. you can’t just snap out of it and begin thinking all positive thoughts. Nor should you! Those feelings are most certainly uncomfortable, but it is necessary to feel them, sit with them, and allow them to run their natural courses.

When you use positivity as a way to numb “negative” feelings, you’re doing yourself a disservice. And when you try to force positivity onto others who are struggling, by using the phrases above, for example, you’re completely shutting down any conversation about how they’re actually feeling, and removing the possibility about talking through their issues.

What you’re basically saying to them is:

• Don’t be honest about how you’re actually feeling
• You are weak for having a negative emotional response
• You should be able to control your feelings
• Don’t call me on your bad days

The Social Conditioning of Positivity

To many, the phrases above may seem harmless. You’ve heard and said them a million times. We grow up   being conditioned to believe that positivity is the best and most socially acceptable way to be.

When a child is crying, many of us probably have the initial instinct to say something like “don’t cry,” or “it’s ok.” But stop and think about that for a second…You’re essentially telling the child that the way they are feeling is not valid (obviously if the child is upset then they don’t feel like “it’s ok”) and telling them to stop expressing that emotion (“don’t cry”).

I know it is not done on purpose, and I’ve been guilty of doing it in the past myself, but once you become mindful of it, you realize that it isn’t healthy to teach children to push their emotions aside. Instead, when comforting crying children, I try to say things like, “I know, that was scary,” (if they fell down, for example) and acknowledging and validating that way they’re feeling.

It seems like a small thing, but the way we respond to children’s emotions is a microcosm for how we respond to human emotions in general. We are often taught from a young age to push uncomfortable emotions away and return to positivity as quickly as possible.

So if you’re reading this and realizing you use toxic positivity tactics, don’t feel bad! It probably has a lot to do with how you were raised and the society you grew up in.

But when you know better, do better! Try to become more mindful of how you handle your own emotions, as well as how you help others deal with theirs. Phrases like the ones I listed above simply are not helpful…but here’s what is:

Acceptance: The Art of Honoring Your Feelings

Toxic positivity involves pushing away negative emotions.

Acceptance involves letting them be and allowing them to run their courses.

Accepting negative feelings is so much more helpful than pushing them away (which actually pushes them deeper inside of you and allows them to fester until they explode). When you accept your feelings, you allow yourself time to work through them. (Further reading: Acceptance Without Exception).

We can rewrite the toxically positive phrases above in a more accepting manner:

• “Just be happy” –> “I know it doesn’t feel good right now but this feeling won’t last forever.”
• “Just be positive” –> “This situation stinks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
• “Think good thoughts” –> “I know it’s really hard to stay positive right now, but this will pass.”
• “You’ll get over it” –> “This is really hard. Things will get better with time.”
• “Good vibes only” –> “All vibes welcome.”

Acceptance is not resignation or giving up. Allowing yourself to feel all of your feelings – even the negative ones – is actually an empowering decision to not let them rule you! Because when you’re ignoring your feelings, the end up ruling you subconsciously. But when you accept them and face them head on, you give yourself the opportunity to move through them.

Optimistic Acceptance

Acceptance doesn’t mean allowing your negative emotions to fester. You may think that if you allow yourself to feel the sadness, the anger, or the fear, that it will take over and never free you from its grasp…but that’s simply not the case!

The sooner you allow yourself to feel your feelings, the sooner you can work through them. Especially if you stay mindful of the fact that all feelings are temporary and “this too shall pass.” When you can remember that nothing lasts forever, including the way that you’re feeling, you realize that there will come a time in the future when you’ll feel better.

I’d like to coin the term “optimistic acceptance” to describe the way we should all try to deal with our feelings. Acceptance means that you allow yourself to feel whatever feelings come up, and optimism means that you stay hopeful for the future.

Whenever my body feels off, whether it be due to a cold or an anxiety attack, my mind immediately goes to this place of “I’m never going to feel better.” It tricks me into believing that I’m stuck and I’ve reached my final fate. But by practicing optimistic acceptance I can say: “yes, I feel like shit now. But I know that this will pass, as it always has in the past, and I will feel better eventually.”

See how much more validating that is than “just stay positive?”

I also try to be mindful to take note of when I do eventually feel better. I reming myself of how I felt crappy and like I would never feel better, but here I am, feeling better!

Everyone has some negative vibes from time to time. Consider this your permission to bitch and moan and whine and vent and complain when you need to – it doesn’t make you a lesser human. It just makes you human!

Just don’t allow yourself to get stuck in the negative vibes. Allow yourself to feel the feelings so they can move through you and you can get back to baseline.

Further reading: 4 Inspirational Quotes That Are BS

A couple of graphics that inspired this post: