Just like everyone else, I’ve had my fair share of hard times in my life.

Many of my difficulties have been health related, such as the anxiety I began experiencing in middle school, trichotillomania in high school, my total thyroidectomy in the beginning of college, and Sjogren’s and IBS during college. (Read more about my journey with these illnesses here).

But no matter what difficulties you’ve gone through, whether it’s a mental or physical illness, heartbreak, the grief of a loss, or something entirely different – you’ve surely needed support and you’ve supported someone struggling.

However, not all support is created equal!

It is always nice when people reach out and offer their support, but there are some common blunders that people make when doing so. They are often acting out of love, but what they do or say may not actually be all that helpful. And sometimes, it may be downright harmful!

I’ve created this list of do’s and dont’s for helping someone through a tough time based on things I appreciate hearing when I’m struggling. It may vary from person to person, but these are some general guidelines!

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Don’ts

*A quick note before we begin – don’t feel bad if you’ve done these things to people in the past. I know I certainly have! We all make mistakes and we’re learning together. Do your best and when you know better – do better.

Don’t give unsolicited advice

Sometimes people just want to vent. All they need is a listening ear…not another voice in their head!

If someone comes to you asking for advice, then by all means give it to them. But if they just want to talk and tell you how they’re feeling, don’t be so quick to jump in with your two cents.

You can ask the person what they want too! A simple, “do you just need to vent, or would you like my advice?” can allow both parties to be on the same page about what is expected from the interaction.

No cliché platitudes

“Everything is going to be ok,” “everything happens for a reason,” or other phrases of the sort are not helpful for something who’s going through it. They mean nothing when it feels as if your world is crumbling apart!

People experiencing difficulty don’t want vague promises about the future – they want validation of their present experience (more on that below).

Don’t negate their feelings

More unhelpful phrases: “just try not to think about it,” “don’t worry about it,” “it’s not worth getting upset over,” etc.

These can make the person feel like they’re doing something wrong by having feelings about a situation! Maybe something doesn’t seem “worth” getting upset over to you, but telling someone that isn’t going to make them any less upset (and in fact, will probably anger them or make them feel guilty).

Try not to encourage avoidance of feelings or make someone feel as if their feelings aren’t valid.

Don’t compare/undermine their experience

“At least it’s not X,” “it could be worse!” and phrases of the like also serve to negate someone’s experience. Just because the situation could be worse doesn’t mean the current situation doesn’t suck.

I do think it can be beneficial to help someone put a situation in perspective and remain grateful for all of the good things in their life, but not if this is done by making them feel bad for feeling the way they do about their experience.

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Do’s

Just listen

A lot of the time, people just need to let out their feelings and inner thoughts. It can be extremely cathartic to just vent!

Instead of offering advice, platitudes, etc., just listen to what the person has to say. Feel free to ask clarifying questions or use validating statements like the ones below to keep the conversation going, but stay away from adding your opinion where it may not be wanted.

Validate their feelings

Validating statements can mean the world when someone is struggling! Instead of telling them to bury their feelings, hold space for them to feel them…yes, it may be uncomfortable for you, the listener, but it is so therapeutic for the other person.

Using validating statements while someone is sharing their feelings will make them feel more comfortable and show them that you are really listening and empathizing with them.

Some examples of validating phrases:

• “I know this sucks. I’m here for you.”
• “I’m so sorry this is happening to you.”
• “It’s totally ok to be upset about this.”
• “I can tell you’re worried/sad/upset about it. I’m here to help however I can.”

Offer specific help

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do!” is a really nice sentiment, but oftentimes people won’t feel comfortable reaching out. They feel like by asking you for something, they’re putting you out or being a bother.

Think of things the person may need – a stocked fridge, meals, childcare, cleaning etc. and specifically offer those! People are more likely to accept help if it seems like you’ve already made up your mind to do it.

Here are some examples of specific things you can offer:

• “I’m going to the grocery store later. Make me a list of things I can pick up for you.”
• “I want to bring you dinner one night. What night this week works best?”
• “You should get out of the house. I’ll watch the kids one day this weekend – which day is better?”
• “Hey – why don’t I throw in a load of laundry while we chat/eat lunch/watch this movie. Then I can fold it for you before I leave.”
• “Why don’t I load the dishwasher while we talk?”

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What do you like someone to say or do (or not say/do) when you’re having a difficult time? Let me know in the comments below so we can keep adding to this list!

Related reading: “What Not to Say to Someone With a Chronic Illness“