A Letter to Myself on the Day I was Supposed to Graduate College

Dear Molly,

Today is the day that you would have graduated, had you stayed at Assumption and completed your four years of college there. I know that was always the plan, and that a couple of years ago you never saw any reason in the world that it wouldn’t happen. 

But chronic illness doesn’t choose its victims based on age, or how hard they work, or how motivated they are to finish school. Its totally random, and it throws a wrench into the lives of everyone it touches.

I know that all of your social media timelines are flooded with photos of people in black graduation gowns, throwing their caps in the air or hugging other robed friends and classmates.

I know that for the past week you’ve seen countless images of old classmates living it up, drinking too much, and celebrating this big accomplishment.

I know that you wish you were there.

I know that you wish you hadn’t lost that whole part of your life – the friends and roommates, the dorm living, the never ending activities that living on a college campus provides.

I know that you’ve spent years now trying to come to terms with the fact that the two amazing years you spent at Assumption were the only two years of traditional college you’ll ever get.

I know that you wish you’d had more.

You’re not graduating today. But you know what?

I’m SO proud of you. 

I’m proud of you for making decisions that work best for you – like taking time off from school to deal with a new diagnosis, and ultimately leaving traditional college in order to take the best care of yourself possible. 

I’m proud of you for finding the motivation to finish your degree, and working hard to find a path that worked for you (online classes).

I’m proud of you for learning to balance school and work along with chronic illness, despite many road bumps along the way.

And I’m proud of you for being brave enough to recreate your life into one that is not just functional, but that you love.

Don’t ever compromise your own wellbeing in order to fit the mold. 

Love,

Molly

For more information on why I left school, read my first ever post: “Invisible Illnesses.”

This letter was especially important for me to write to myself in light of recent decisions made regarding my education. After initially leaving school, I took a full semester off to heal and adjust to a new lifestyle. I then resumed taking college courses through an online forum offered by Lesley University.

I’ve been doing online classes now for the time equivalent of 4 semesters, and had planned it all out that I would graduate in December. I’ve taken so much stupid pride in being able to say, “yeah, I took 1 semester off so I’ll only graduate 1 semester late.” Something about it seemed to say “I’m not lazy” or “I really got my shit together fast.”

But in order to graduate in December, I’d need to do classes all summer long, and then complete an internship along with classes in the fall (while still working at the daycare). As much as I had hoped I would eventually get to a place where I could handle a workload like this, I simply don’t think my body could handle it.

Along with near constant fatigue from Sjogren’s, unforeseen gastrointestinal issues have plagued me since February. Its made for a miserable few months. An endoscopy and colonoscopy turned up nothing specific, and I’m awaiting the results of an MRI I had last week. But despite weeks and weeks of feeling like hell, multiple primary care and gastro doctor appointments, plus two trips to the ER, I managed to finish my spring classes today.

And after taking a big sigh of relief, I decided to take the entire summer off from school. This will likely set back my progress to the point where I won’t graduate for another full year, but I’m learning to be ok with that.

I need this summer to take care of myself. I need to walk and get fresh air and sunshine. I need to do yoga and read books. I need to spend time with friends. I need to clean my room. I need to just take a breather. I’ll continue working and maybe even take on a few more hours there, but I need some time off from school.

In the long run, its not going to matter how long it took me to get my college degree. Its not going to matter which classes I took in person or online. And its not going to matter that I didn’t graduate when all my friends did.

What will matter is that in doing what was best for myself, I learned so many lessons that will continue to serve me throughout my life. Not only will I leave college with a degree, but I’ll also have an internal toolkit full of tools for dealing with adversity. And even thought it’ll take me an extra year to get all that, I think I’ll leave more equipped to deal with life than most college grads are.